Spanking

First off, I should say that I don't believe in hitting a child.  There are far better, more affective ways of teaching them right from wrong. 

However, it's recently been brought to my attention that I have a very twisted idea of what spanking is.  So this is what "spanking" is from my own experience growing up.  Spanking happened fairly regularly.  The threat of it happened even more.  Spanking happened one of two ways: a hand or a kitchen spatula. 

I shook with fear when I saw my mother tense up and walk towards the crock that held her cooking utensils.  I knew what was coming next.  I'd usually start begging and pleaded "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry... Please don't spank me.  I won't do it again."

As I got older I started to learn that it didn't hurt as bad if I squeeze my butt cheeks together.  If I was even able to break a few plastic spatulas.  Guess what... She bragged about it!  She told her friends that my butt was so strong I broke the spatula when she tried to "beat" me. 

Yes, "I will beat you" was said many times.  I even remember going to someone's house and her giving them permission to "beat" me if I didn't behave myself. 

I was talking to a friend once about things we'd heard parents say to their children to get them to behave in stores.  There were the token "i'll buy you candy if you sit still a while longer" or the counting.  Then I said "I will beat you if you can't behave."  My friend's jaw hit the floor.  I honestly thought it was a semi common. I didn't have the guts to tell her it was something I heard as a child. 

I wanted to write more but I'm have a really hard time forming words into sentences that even make sense.  So, for now, I'm just hitting publish.  Maybe one day I'll be able to convey how much this has impacted my life and how painful this aspect of my childhood really was.  Just know, I've always questioned if I was abused or not.